What is Alabama football?
It is getting serenaded with "Rocky Top" by the Minnesota band after
losing a 3rd-tier bowl game.
It is worshipping an old dead drunk.
It is losing cases in courtrooms from Memphis to Tuscaloosa and still thinking
you were innocent.
It is losing 3 in a row and 4 of 5 to your arch-rival and still maintaining an
air of superiority.
It's being too stupid to realize your total irrelevance.
It is rolling baby, it's rolling.
It is sinking so low that you brag about being up at half-time against your
archrival, and then calling your archrival a red-headed step-sister.
It is sinking so low that the best insult you can come up with for your
archrival's fans is to throw sugar packets at them while they're kicking your
a** on your home field...again.
It is never beating your archrival in your home stadium, named after the dead
drunk, and claiming your archrival has an inferiority complex.
It is claiming 12 national titles when no one else with half a brain recognizes
you with more than 6.
It is making fun of your archrivals "half a national championship,"
when most of the ones you claim were shared.
It is claiming a national championship after losing to Mississippi State and
Vandy.
It is claiming national championships retroactively.
It is claiming national championships after losing your bowl game.
It is being more jealous of your archrival's 2 Heisman trophies than your
archrival is of any of your national championships, real or imagined.
It is all about the Benjamins.
It is 5 coaches in 5 years.
It is 2 probations for cheating in less than 10 years.
It is a worse record and winning percentage than AU in the last 20 years.
It is going to Hawaii to get beat and calling it a "Bowl" game.
It is moral victory after moral victory.
It is having a coach with less career wins than Tuberville got in one year.
It is knowing that your biggest tradition is buying and bidding on players.
It is being mediocre for over 20 years.
It is being a national laughingstock and not even realizing it.
It is delusion, delusion, delusion..
It is counting your 1/2 MNC's as a whole.
It is accepting and claiming MNC's from any and everybody that will offer one
but laughing at others that might.
It is knowing you are the best team even when you lose.
It is knowing that the refs are against you.
It is knowing that the NCAA is against you.
It is knowing that UT owns you.
It is Mike Price.
It is getting turned down by USF's coach.
It is coming off probation before the sanctions have really taken effect yet
and thinking your going to win a MNC.
It is thinking THIS is the year we beat Auburn.
It is trying to make yourself believe that you’re superior to Auburn.
It is trying to act like your facilities are equal to Auburn.
It is watching you go through 4 coaches in 2 years.
It is having head coaches leave for places like Duke, Kentucky, UTEP, Texas
A&M, Millsaps College, and Luverne High School.
It is having your 5th choice for HC turn you down.
It is having the Football Stadium at Duke named after a coach who used Alabama
as a stepping stone.
It is asking if "Got Twelve?" refers to the number of players in your
history that weren't bought and paid for.
It is watching Tommy Tuberville AND Phil Fulmer having as many SEC wins at BDS
as your own Head Coach.
It is dreaming of a day when you could beat Tennessee 3 times in 15 months.
It is remembering when losing by any margin at home to your arch rival didn't
make them fall in the polls.
It is hoping that Northern Illinois doesn't show up again to ruin Homecoming.
It is reminiscing of Shula's Greatest Game - a win over Southern Miss.
It is offering Ole Miss walk-ons Football Scholarships.
It is sharing a home field with the Blazers.
It is being proudly named the "Crimson Tide" after merely tying
Auburn in a football game - and broadcasting that fact to the world on your
website.
It is being called "The Thin Red Line".
It is fans proudly displaying toilet paper rolls and empty detergent boxes when
the whole world can see that you don't know how to use either.
It is a Million Dollar Band and a Two Million Dollar Defensive Line.
It is decades of ignorantly mocking your arch rival for being named the Tigers
and yelling "War Eagle" when you're called the Crimson Tide and have
an Elephant walk the sidelines.
It is having your head football coach make less than the head basketball coach.
It is Phyllis of Mulga being the prettiest face in the Bama crowd.
It is giving your head coach a contract extension after going 4-9 and 6-6.
It is giving your head coach a contract where he can earn a bonus for winning 7
games - and the bonus remaining unpaid.
It is throwing bricks through your coach's window after a 10 win season.
It is knowing that Notre Dame takes pride in saying "well, at least we're
not as bad as Alabama".
It is bragging about playing your arch rival close but losing with your third
string QB, third string FB, and third string RB when just 2 years prior your
arch rival beat you with their second string QB, fourth string FB, and fourth
string RB on your own field.
It is "forgetting" how to pronounce "TSDTR" and forgetting
to show up to the game to back it up.
It is running off the last coach that won you a National Championship.
It is recognizing that the closest your Head Coach and Quarterback will be to a
ring is when they shake their father's hand.
It is threatening to leave the SEC and having no one notice.
It is pulling for Memphis because they're actually winning and they have your
150k D-lineman.
It is proclaiming your QB to be the best thing since sliced bread after he
shreds Utah State, Mississippi, and Western Carolina before he gets
hurt....again.
It is losing to South Carolina at home.
It is having a head coach realize that the ugliest stripper in Pensacola was
prettier than the Alabama coaching job.
It is running off your backup QB by playing him with a concussion.
It is having a losing record since January 1st 2000.
It is having a football field that is as wilted as the football team.
It is tarnishing the legend of your greatest coach by playing an incoherent
drunken sound-clip at the beginning of each football game.
It is knowing what used to be and then realizing what is.
It is being the fourth best football team in your state.
It is refusing to play those teams unless mandated by the state government.
It is scoring 20 whole points in 3 centuries against your arch-rival on campus.
It is forfeiting games for playing an ineligible player for an entire season.
It is getting caught cheating while still on probation.
It is having the AD with the most experience hiring head coaches in the nation,
yet worst track record.
It is trying to convince your 15 year old son that Bama is a powerhouse because
he can't remember those days.
It is being the state champion....of Mississippi....only because Auburn didn't
play Southern Miss.
It is having your senior quarterback declare that his team has as much talent
as Auburn, despite being 0-3 vs. Auburn and watching Auburn win 5 more games
against mutual opponents over the past 3 years.
It is picking Vandy as your second SEC East rival.
It is having Vandy or Kentucky on your schedule for 50 consecutive years, until
2005's SEC rotation finally kicks them both off.
It is running up the score....against Western Carolina....and limping off the
field.
It is joining Arkansas, Mississippi, and Vanderbilt as the only SEC victims of
the Golden Gophers.
It is declaring that your D is "back" despite watching it give up 20
or more points to Arkansas, South Carolina, LSU, Auburn, and Minnesota - all in
losing efforts.
It is scheduling a 2 game road series with Hawaii for the money.
It is watching a man with the 50 yard stare...and then realizing that he's your
coach.
It is having Brittany Spears marriages outlast coach's tenures.
It is watching Troy play better than you against mutual opponents Utah State,
South Carolina, and LSU.
It is breathing a sigh of relief, because Troy lost to Northern Illinois too!
It is bringing an offensive coordinator out of a 4 year retirement...from Tulsa...after
he posted 1 winning record in 12 seasons.
It is bragging that as an OC, Shula's NFL O was ranked #29, and then realizing
that the NFL only has 32 teams.
It is hiring Ray Perkins' defensive coordinator 11 years after his career
peaked as HC of Arkansas...for one year.
It is prominent Bama Booster William Bradford Huie emploring the youth of
Alabama to take up badminton instead of play for the corrupt University of
Alabama.
It is having an ad banner up on your official website, and seeing Kia advertising
to your fans.
It is preselling season DVDs because no one will want to buy them after the
season.
It is having a radio announcer that will remind you of a victory 20 years ago,
especially when you're not going to get one today!
It is making Kia the official Import Car of the Alabama Crimson Tide.
It is paying more to settle sexual harassment lawsuits against your coaches
than you paid to build your chimes named after an all-night diner.
It is having a flea market outside your stadium on game day and calling it
"atmosphere".
It is being 0-1 against Northern Illinois.
It is knowing that your coach scored more on his secretary than he did against
Auburn in your home stadium.
It is calling your arch-rival's head coach Wingnut when you're the one getting
screwed.
It is having Auburn's head coach given an award named after your most famous
head coach, yet never winning a trophy named after a famous Auburn head coach.
It is celebrating that JetGate failed because you think Tuberville is a bad coach,
only to watch him win twice against you in a year.
It is having your head coach photographed in a Darth Vader T-shirt...on a
cruise for Alabama boosters.
It is watching a fat man in a Hawaiian shirt shred your defense for the third
time in 5 years.
It is systematically running off the last 5 coaches that won 10 games in a
season and wondering why the inept son of a coaching legend was the only man
who would take the job.
It is the memory of your greatest coach losing his last Iron Bowl.
It is that horrid pregame shrill that surely must be a recording of the Bear
rolling over in his grave.
It is having a local Mercedes plant but advertising that Kia is the official
import car of your football team.
It is having a losing record to Phil Fulmer.
It is hiring your head coach away from being a Maitre D' at a steak-house.
It is paying 900k a year to go 10-15.
It's having a 2-3 record versus Louisiana Tech.
It is having the most coaching changes in the SEC over the last 15 years.
It is being dominated by another coach who bears a remarkable resemblance to
the Pillsbury Dough Boy.
It is being turned in by the Dough Boy, then blaming him because you were
cheating.
It is coming to the gross realization that you may never be a great team again
because the NCAA has finally figured you out.
It is having the "Elvis Syndrome" and acting as if some one who has
been dead for over 20 years...IS STILL ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!
This is Alabama Football